Lovely

2021 (11th Grade Creative Writing)

Drip drip drip

Outside, the wind howled and the leaves shook. They fluttered and were whisked away to be taken into the storm. Swirling in never ending circles and even as the rain slowed, the wind never did. 

She sat behind the door, shutting it close effectively against any possible intruders. It was required, afterall, when she shared the room with her two younger brothers. It was dark, having turned off the bright lights to lessen the growing headache, the only semi balance of light came from the window. Her legs brought up to her chest, her arms wrapped around them, folding in on herself. Her chin rested on her knees as she sat in silence. 

Not total silence of course, after all, she could hear the noises coming from the living room. The T.V playing a show as her parents watched. She could hear her brothers laughing and enjoying themselves as they played games and watched some videos. 

Longing filled her chest, oh she wished she could sit with them. It was too bad that it was getting to be too much. Too much noise, too much light. She wanted the quiet, it was nice, peaceful. She wanted to be in the dark, it was calming. 

Although she was scared of it; it was illogical, there was no reason for her to be so scared of the dark, yet she also prefered it. She always felt vulnerable when she was in the dark, at least when she was in a wide open space. It made her anxious not to know where everything was, to not be able to see, to be left in the open. Yet if she were to be in a closed space, or at least a small one, and have her eyes adjust, it was comforting- soothing. The light tended to be too harsh, especially the bright white ones. 

She also wanted to be alone. As much as she wanted to sit with her family, she needed to be alone. She could relax fully and there was no need to pretend. When she was alone there was no one there to judge her. No one to call her weird or stupid, loud or annoying. There was no one there to critique her, to tell her how she should be. She already knew how she should be, but it seemed to be impossible for someone like her. 

She was too weird. She wasn’t normal. 

Why can’t I just be like everyone else?

There were some downsides to being alone like she was. Her thoughts took control, down a spiral of negativity. A cloud of darkness growing around her and– she needs a distraction, so she doesn’t have to focus on the never-ending negativity. So she did just that; she pulled out her dimly-light phone and opened the latest written story she had found. It was well-written, had a stable plot and it made her smile when it came to the interactions between two of the main characters. 

And just like that, she went off into her own world. A world of fantasy and non-fiction where she didn’t have to think, where she could just focus on the words that were in front of her. Where criticism, self-hatred and expectations were no longer a concern, nothing was really. It was just her, the story, and the characters. 

Small bouts of giggles escaped her and echoed a bit in the slightly messy room, her eyes twinkling in delight; there were no words that could hurt her, not while she was in her own little bubble. 

–

She was alone again. Although, this time it wasn’t much of her choice. She was in a youth group, they were on a trip and everyone had split off into their friend groups. She was friends with some, they were the same age and used to go to school together. That was until everyone in the class split off into different high schools, some went to the same schools of course. Although she never shared any of her classes with the few friends who did go to her school- so she rarely saw them. 

She had begun to distance herself bit by bit. After all it never seemed like they wanted her around. She knew they thought she was stupid- even if they said it in a joking manner. They thought she was a drama queen, they’ve told her that a couple of times in exasperation. She couldn’t blame them though. They were right after all, and they’re not mean nor are they bad people. 

This always happened anyways. She was always last picked, always standing as an outsider near them. She knew even if they never said it that they were often annoyed by her presence. At least it always seemed that way, she could be wrong. She was never right in interpreting things nor was she in remembering correctly. 

So she stood there. Trying to seem like she didn’t care, that she’d rather stand off by herself. Though she didn’t want the counselors concerned. It would do no good if she were to draw attention to herself, she couldn’t keep being an attention-seeker. 

She moved near them, the girls she knew from school and grew up around. She was silent as she did so, making sure they didn’t notice her. Yet she also stayed close enough that if they were to get concerned at her silence and went to look for her they’d find her there and go back to their conversation. It was almost routine. As the group walked, she glanced around, making sure to always keep with them so she didn’t get lost. And there she went, zoning out into her own world again. She was in her own bubble now, even if she wasn’t alone in the dark surrounded in silence. 

She was lost in her own imagination, and that was enough. Because even though she didn’t have access to her stories nor songs at the moment, she was able to make-do. Able to fill her loneliness even as she was surrounded by people. Her mind jumped through many different hoops, never able to focus on just one.

So even though the clouds were there, and the wind was blowing, she never focused too long on it. Instead she delved deeper, anything to avert her attention from the growing cold. 

–

It was too loud. 

It was too crowded. 

It was too much. 

She blended in with her silence, as the students in the hallways were chatting happily with their friends and peers. No one noticed her, she was just another person wanting to go to lunch. Although she had decided against eating, she just wasn’t hungry. Even though she hadn’t had breakfast, she never does. She rather sleep in or at least cuddle in the warmth of her blanket before she had to get up to the chill morning and get ready to leave. She very rarely felt hungry in the morning, others might find it weird but it is normal for her. She would just have a cup of tea, and maybe a coffee and snack when she got home. 

Her best friend wasn’t here today. She missed Ellie, and she knew she was being irrational. It was only one day. Yet, she wanted the comfort her friend gave her. She wanted to forget the self-hatred that kept taking over. She couldn’t focus in classes today either (a frequent occurrence), which must be the icing on the cake. That’s exactly what she needed, to be behind in understanding the lessons and assignments. It’s not like she wanted to zone out though, but she just couldn’t for the life of her focus. It sounded ridiculous and a sorry excuse for everyone else- she knew that. 

After all, all she had to do was actually put a little bit of effort into the things she did and- problem solved! All she had to do was be positive and all those negative feelings will go away! 

If only it worked that way. 

El, though, understood. She always did her best to provide comfort and a shoulder to lean on. Even if all that meant was showing her memes and cute fanart from the fandoms they both enjoyed, to lend an ear or just chatter off on whatever happened recently. Anything to distract her. She of course returned that comfort when her best friend was down. 

But she wasn’t here today. 

So she made her way to the quietest place she knew in  the school that wasn’t around on-going classes. She went to the secluded staircase and then to the tiny staircase on the side that led to the roof (that’s what they assumed at least). This was their spot, they sat here every lunch and would hang out. There weren’t many people that came through, so for the most part it was a quiet secluded spot. 

Placing her things down on the steps and taking a seat, she stared straight ahead, to the wall in front of her. It was always chilly here, and it didn’t help that there was snow outside. Large flakes floated down slowly, it was quite beautiful. Even if she had to pull her jacket closer to her as the cold air seeped into her skin. When she looked back up to the top of the mini staircase she was seated on, she felt a pang in her chest to see the spot her best friend usually sat in was empty. She knew she would enjoy the snow, maybe try and fail to convince her to go and play outside. 

She also knew she was being absolutely ridiculous. She was being weird, it was only one day there was no need to be so upset. 

She needed a distraction.

With that, she pulled out her phone and her headphones to play some of the music she was fond of. 

The music was a welcoming distraction. It helped to silence her thoughts as she got lost in the rhythm playing within her ears. While she was sure to keep an eye on the time, so she wouldn’t be late to class, she got lost in her own bubble. 

The wind outside was ignored, it wasn’t any faster, nor did it slow; it was simply ignored for the time being. 

–

She was happy.

She didn’t know how long it would last before she was once again overwhelmed with her thoughts taking a negative turn, but she refused to dwell on that. 

So she enjoyed feeling content- enjoyed the feeling when she was happily among her friends. Where for once, she didn’t feel like she was unwanted, where she felt like she was being allowed to hang around them. 

Even though it was loud, for once it wasn’t overwhelmingly so. 

She laughed along with her friends, and she longed for the ones she couldn’t be with because of the different schedules and schools. And although she missed them and wished they were there too, she was content.

This was enough.  

It was enough to truly laugh without having to care whether it was too loud or if it sounded fake. Without having to think about whether or not she was being annoying or stupid.  

She rolled her eyes as her best friend made a dad joke (one reason she’s been dubbed Space Dad) and looked around waiting for someone to laugh along with her before she exclaimed, “Oh come on! That was funny!”. 

She laughed at that and soon her friend joined her. The rest ignored the two and moved on with the conversation. 

For now, she was truly content.  

She was in her own little bubble, shared as it was. 

For once, the wind slowed- and it was peaceful. 

It was lovely.